Sunday, December 17, 2017

WHAT WE BECOME (2015)

Featuring all the excitement of a dry wet fart, WHAT WE BECOME is the snoozerific story of a quiet suburban neighborhood that is, at first, quarantined and then overrun by zombies.  That might sound exciting, but the pace of this underwhelming pigfucker is guaranteed to put all but the most easily amused movie watcher to sleep.  In fact, I'm getting sleepy just talking about it!  

[7 hours later]

Huh...ughhh, what the fuck happened?  Where are my clothes and why is my girlfriends finger in my butt?!  Guess I fell asleep.  Anyway, WHAT WE BECOME is a competently made film.  It looks good and the acting is passable, but the story is nothing!  We've seen this same type of slow-burn invasion story dozens of times before in everything from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS to DISTURBING BEHAVIOR and WHAT WE BECOME brings nothing new to the table.  At least MULBERRY STREET helped invent the word "ratpire"!

The best thing WWB has going for it is the short running time and the teenage son who was amusing to laugh at.  That kid was a dork!  It was fun trying to list all of his hobbies...smoking, gaming, girls, bowling, toy collecting, beginner level skateboarding (no tricks, just slowly rolling down the street), urban exploration, baseball, peeping tom, basketball, The Simpsons, reading, guitars, monster trucks, fireworks, etc.

Zero nudity, very little violence, forgettable characters, boring zombies, slow pace, predictable ending that sucked.  Watch it if you want, but I think you can find something better to do with your time.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

THE BAD BATCH (2016)

Imagine if you had an interesting visual concept for a 6-minute long music video and then stretched that concept out to 118 minutes.

Set in some kind of low-budget dystopian future, THE BAD BATCH opens with a pretty chick with a killer body, Arlen (Suki Waterhouse), being locked behind a huge fence in the desert.  She turns and wanders off into the wasteland.  Within a day, she's kidnapped by cannibals and sections of her right arm and right leg eaten.  Soon, the real horror starts when the cannibals start listening to Ace of Base!  Arlen can't take it anymore and escapes.  She eventually shows up in a town full of tweakers and dorks called Comfort.  From there on, more things happen, but honestly, I didn't give a shit.  The story was dumb as fuck, slow-moving and illogical.

The only thing I knew about TBB going into it was it was about cannibals and it started Keanu Reeves.  That sounds awesome!  In my handsome brain, I was visualizing BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE versus CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST.   That didn't happen.

Style over substance storytelling, very little dialogue, lots of music video-style photography, Jim Carrey showing up from some unknown reason, snail's pace, multiple things that brought to mind EL TOPO, zero nudity, very little violence, promising opening act, weak middle act and a lame as fuck ending.

Ms. Happyotter claimed to have "liked it", but yet she was still making fun of it.  I think she was just being nice. If you need me, I'll be in my room playing Borderlands 2.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

THE THIN MAN (1934)

Hard-drinking Nick Charles (William Powell) is one of the greatest detectives alive, but he recently married a wealthy industrialist's daughter, Nora (Myrna Loy), so from now on it's smooth sailing!!  No more gumshoeing or hiding in the shadows for him. No siree, Bob! Just a bunch of relaxing, getting drunk as a skunk and gettin' up in his wife's guts...or at least that was the plan.

No matter how hard he fights it, he can't help but get pulled into the case of a married scientist (Edward Ellis) who disappeared around the time his mistress was found murdered. All of New York is abuzz with wild rumors and stories. And to make matters even worse, Nick's beautiful new bride is chomping at the bit to see her famous detective husband in action! Finally, he agrees and after some entertaining snooping around, he has all of the players in the mystery forced to attend a dinner party at his penthouse.  Fireworks ensue.

The murder mystery in THE THIN MAN is entertaining, but the real attraction (and the reason the film endures even to this day) is the on-screen chemistry between Myrna Loy and William Powell.  The two of them together as Nick and Nora Charles really is movie perfection.  The playfulness and quick wit...and the funny faces!  Oh my god, the funny faces they make at each other is the cutest thing that I've seen in a long time.

Quick pace, great mystery, amazing supporting cast, nice use of shadows, clever script (based on an outstanding novel by Dashiell Hammett), outstanding direction by W.S. Van Dyke (a.k.a. "One-Take Woody") who somehow shot this movie in less than 3 weeks!!!  Fun fact: Hammett's novel was originally published in December 1933 and the film premiered five months later in May 1934!  Holy duck-billed platypus testicles, that's fast!!!

If you enjoy classic Hollywood mysteries, then THE THIN MAN is required viewing and the start to a wonderful series that actually has a two sequels that I think are better than the original (parts 2 and 3). Highly recommended.

Part 2 - After the Thin Man
Part 3 - Another Thin Man
Part 4 - Shadow of the Thin Man
Part 5 - The Thin Man Goes Home
Part 6 - Song of the Thin Man