Wednesday, May 17, 2017

LADY TERMINATOR (1989)

"It says here, all three of these guys died with their cocks bitten off."

"I've heard of the ultimate blowjob, but this is too much!"

If I've heard this story once, I've heard it a thousand times (why can't Hollywood ever come up with something original?!): back in the 1800's, a woman with an insatiable sexual appetite (kinda like Ilsa) spends her days making love to men...and chewing off their dicks with the snake that lives in her pussy!!!  Anyway, one day some ding-a-ling slingin' cocksmith strolls in like a Old West gunslinger and he long dicks her until the snake slithers out.  He grabs the snake and turns it into a knife.  Lightning strikes the knife.  The woman is angered by this and yells, "Bastard!  You tricked me!  In 100 years, I'll have my revenge on your great-granddaughter!"  What an oddly specific threat.  What if he doesn't even have a great-granddaughter?  And how come he didn't try and warn her?  Anyway...

...one-hundred years later, his great-granddaughter is scuba diving when she wakes up tied to a bed and a snake crawls into her snizz.  Next thing you know, she's walking naked out of the ocean and fuck-kills some punks on the beach.  From here on out, the film is a bizarro world retelling of THE TERMINATOR complete with the terminator pursuing a woman, the dance club shoot-out, the car chases, the police station massacre, etc.  As bad as it sounds, it's actually highly entertaining and a fun ride from beginning to end.  Yeah, the budget, filmmaking skill and acting aren't up to the standards of a Hollywood studio film, but I never expected it to be.

If I was rich and had all the time (and resources) in the world, I think I would write a book or make a documentary about LADY TERMINATOR.  There is so much going on in this film that you can't catch it all in just one viewing.  On top of all the obvious THE TERMINATOR rip-offs, it also has stuff that was later used in TERMINATOR 2!!!  Which is really bizarre.  Example: the terminator running while chasing a police car, the terminator attacking the target in a mall and the terminator attacking a police helicopter.  She also corrects the goof in the original film and has her headlights on while driving into the police station.  There's lots of other bizarre things going on, but one thing in particular that tickled me was at runtime 46:50, the main actor sits down at his desk and there are two framed photographs from the fight scene at the end of the movie!!!  Talk about foreshadowing!

Anyway, LADY TERMINATOR might be played off as a serious action movie, but you can tell that the filmmakers were having fun with the audience.  It's completely nuts and that second half has so much gunfire it's ridiculous.  It's obvious that the bullets have zero effect on the terminator, but they just keep shooting her thousands of times.  They might as well be attacking a tank with a flyswatter.

Recommended for the open-minded and fans of such things. Double-feature with DEADLY PREY.
Look at the framed photograph. The screenshot above was at 46:50, the one below was at 1:10:05.