A wannabe investigative reporter (Ally Sheedy), who has the intelligence of a
pine cone and the visual observation skills of a blind mole-rat, illegally
breaks into a genetic research facility to see what’s poppin’ up n dat bish.
Turns out the scientists are creating the ultimate guard dog that has the most
ultimate traits of all the most ultimate critters. Including, but not limited
to, the camouflaging skills of a chameleon, the tree climbing skills of a
jaguar, the biting power of a ratpire, the rabid psychosis of an overweight early 2000’s pre-dawn Black Friday
shopper and the acidic urine of a Wookalar. Naturally, she takes this
bloodthirsty killing machine home. The evil scientist (Lance Henriksen) who
created the killer beast wants his puppy back. Aww.
For a low-budget, early 1990’s killer dog movie, MAN’S BEST FRIEND is alright
and definitely watchable, but there isn’t enough happening to keep the viewer
fully invested. First off, the large corporation tracking down the killer dog is
literally just Lance Henriksen! No secondary dogs or evil henchmen. Nope. Just
ol’ Lance and his goofy, ill-fitted jacket. Secondly, the killer dog is an
asshole. I can’t root for a psychotic dog who kills an innocent cat and a caged
bird. Not to mention, he rapes another dog. It’d be one thing if he was going
around killing various criminals and evil scientists, but he’s murdering
innocent people just trying to live their lives. Thirdly, Ally Sheedy’s
character is just so weak and dumb. She’s the anti-Ellen Ripley. The vast majority
of the deaths and bad things that happen in the film are a result of her bad
decisions.
Annoying kids, medium pace, zero nudity, zero gore, a little blood, suspected
animal cruelty that pissed me off (that cat did not look happy in that one
scene), early 1990's technology, disappointing ending, average acting, average
cast. With some tweaks to the script, MAN’S BEST FRIEND could have been awesome,
but instead it will mainly be remembered as the film Craig’s dad was watching in
FRIDAY. “It’s your ass, Mr. Postman!”
Showing posts with label Animals Gone Bad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Animals Gone Bad. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 13, 2023
Tuesday, April 11, 2023
ANACONDA (1997)
A sweaty group of nerds take a boat down the Amazon River in order to make a
documentary about a long-lost indigenous Amazonian tribe. Along the way,
they make the wise choice of picking up a hitchhiker. This dude immediately
starts talking hella mad shit. Then before you can ask “How the fuck has
HBO still not discovered Robert McCammon?”, there’s a big ass computer-generated
snake floating around eating people.
I remember seeing ANACONDA in the theater back in 1997 and being severely disappointed at how bland, weak and soulless it was. It hasn’t gotten any better with age. Zero blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero tension. Just a bunch of actors running around some crappy-looking boat collecting a paycheck. The idea of a large killer snake hunting humans is ripe with entertaining possibilities, but none of them are present here.
For some misguided reason I thought it would be fun to revisit ANACONDA for a review. Maybe I was too young to enjoy it back in 1997? Maybe it’d be fun to giggle at? Nope. Instead, I just sat there dumbfounded that it was even worse than I remember it being. Shit script, Danny Trejo’s name in the opening credits even though he dies during the opening scene and only has around 1:22 minutes of screentime, bland colours, bland acting, bland cinematography, bland action scenes, bland special effects, bland dialogue…you know what? Fuck this movie, fuck this review. I’ve already wasted too much time on this stinky bowel movement. Watch it if you want, maybe you and your friends will get some laughs out of it. Just don’t expect a good movie.
[Note: As I was proofreading this review, I noticed that today is April 11 and ANACONDA was released 26 years ago today on April 11, 1997. Happy birthday, you boring piece of fuck.]
Part 2 - Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
Part 3 - Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)
Part 4 - Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)
Part 5 - Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)
I remember seeing ANACONDA in the theater back in 1997 and being severely disappointed at how bland, weak and soulless it was. It hasn’t gotten any better with age. Zero blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero tension. Just a bunch of actors running around some crappy-looking boat collecting a paycheck. The idea of a large killer snake hunting humans is ripe with entertaining possibilities, but none of them are present here.
For some misguided reason I thought it would be fun to revisit ANACONDA for a review. Maybe I was too young to enjoy it back in 1997? Maybe it’d be fun to giggle at? Nope. Instead, I just sat there dumbfounded that it was even worse than I remember it being. Shit script, Danny Trejo’s name in the opening credits even though he dies during the opening scene and only has around 1:22 minutes of screentime, bland colours, bland acting, bland cinematography, bland action scenes, bland special effects, bland dialogue…you know what? Fuck this movie, fuck this review. I’ve already wasted too much time on this stinky bowel movement. Watch it if you want, maybe you and your friends will get some laughs out of it. Just don’t expect a good movie.
[Note: As I was proofreading this review, I noticed that today is April 11 and ANACONDA was released 26 years ago today on April 11, 1997. Happy birthday, you boring piece of fuck.]
Part 2 - Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
Part 3 - Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)
Part 4 - Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)
Part 5 - Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)
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