Showing posts with label Jamie Lee Curtis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jamie Lee Curtis. Show all posts

Monday, March 25, 2019

VIRUS (1999)

"There's some really weird shit goin' down on this ship, man."

An alien spaceship(?) comprised of what looks to be pure energy [insert Information Society joke here] passes through the Mir space station (the Mir was a space station that orbited the Earth from 1986 to 2001).  The pass-through kills all of the astronauts on the Mir and beams a signal down to a research vessel in the South Pacific.  Some time later, a tugboat happens across the research vessel during a typhoon.  Looking for shelter, the tugboat crew boards the research vessel only to find that the whole place is wrecked and it looks like a small battle happened onboard...plus, everybody is missing.

That's not really the most original idea ever, but in the correct hands, the mystery could turn out to be awesome!  Unfortunately, the people who made this film were not the correct hands.  It ends up the energy beam took over the electrical equipment on the ship (think MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE at sea) and viewing the humans as a virus, it started killing them in anyway it could.  Whether by nail gun or anchor drop or building a Terminator-like robot out of a corpse and giving it a gun.  That sounds exciting, but for a whole host of reasons, VIRUS is not exciting.

Mediocre acting that honestly seemed like the actors didn't care, poor lighting, messy action scenes full of people yelling and sparks flying all over the joint, zero nudity, very light gore, medium pace, dated special effects, forgettable characters, boring dialogue, abrupt ending that was only satisfying in that I could turn off the movie and do something else.

VIRUS would be worth watching in the middle of the night if it came on TV and you were too lazy to turn the channel, but that's about it.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

THE FOG (1980)

Turn down the air condition and set your alarm clock...The Sleep Fog is coming!

The small coastal town of Antonio Bay is turning 100 years-old.  To commemorate this occasion, the townsfolk (all 40 or so of them) gather in a parking lot and light candles.  Sounds like fun.  At the same time, the ghosts of a leper colony that was massacred 100 years ago rise from their watery graves and start wreckin' shit.  And by "wreckin' shit" I mean they make lights turn on/off, set off car alarms, break windows and kill five people.  Five whole people.  How exciting!  Especially exciting when you can't really see any of the kills because of all the goddamn fog!

I'm not sure why THE FOG is so favorably remembered.  It's currently at 6.8/10 on IMDb, but it should be more like a 3/10.  The movie blows.  Looking at the posters, blu-ray/DVD covers, etc. you're expecting a small town overrun by a fog that rolls in concealing a shuffling horde of pirate zombies hellbent on ripping off the faces and dicks of every human in town while ramming a cargo hook up their assholes.  Instead, we get a turtle-speed story about a lame radio DJ smoothtalkin' over dickless smooth jazz, while in town nothing happens.  Just a bunch of bullshit we've all seen a million times: knocking sounds, talking around a fire, hands busting through windows, numerous references to other horror stuff, lights flickering, glass shattering, mysterious shadows, a truck getting stuck in the mud, creeping around, glowing eyes, spooky voices, yawning...oh wait, that was me.

If you're curious to see what horror stuff John Carpenter did after his legendary HALLOWEEN then it's worth checking out THE FOG to satisfy your curiosity, but if you're looking to see what horror stuff John Carpenter did after his legendary HALLOWEEN that was actually worth a fuck then you'd be better off watching THE THING or PRINCE OF DARKNESS.  If you need me, I'll be in my room reading Brian Keene & J. F. Gonzalez' "Clickers III" or maybe exploring Fallout 4's Far Harbor with Dogmeat.

2005 remake - The Fog (2005)

Californians(?) [???] my college [???] to work writing dumb shit in this fucking movies props, Being one. It's time to bring in the the words guide or the big tits, tatoos and shaved beavers. [???] know horny [???] would go [???] of that

PSYCHO?