Monday, June 12, 2017

DROID (1988)

"Fuck the system."

What the fudge did I just watch?  Right off the bat, (I'm talking like five seconds into it!) you can tell this is going to be one hell of a ride.

Shot on what looks to be somebody's home video camera, DROID is the thrilling futuristic (Los Angeles, 2020) story of an "Eliminator" cop by the name of Taylor, who hangs out at a club called the Pleasure Dome.  When he's not blackmailing sex droids into wetting up his jimmer jammer, he's wistfully thinking about his ex-wife and asking himself why did she have to leave him.  There's also a stolen "decoder".  Taylor eventually locates the decoder, but then loses it.  The cops drug him, in hopes of locating the decoder.  Taylor's robot butler (who is fluent in "jive") gets shot with a laser.  The End.

DROID really has to be seen to be believed.  There's no way that I can fully convey just how bizarre and cheap-looking this film is.  Homemade sets, fog machine overdose, piss poor acting, almost non-existent story, unbelievably horrible splicing of scenes together, wretched lighting, music that will haunt your memory (in a bad way) and editing that damn near melted my mind.  Long story short, DROID fails in every single way that a film could fail except...making me not want to watch it.  I watched this turkey twice(!!!) and both times I couldn't pull my handsome eyeballs away from the screen.  It's like watching seven train wrecks at the same time.

Afterwards, I had dozens of questions, so I did some research and found out that DROID was assembled from the non-pornographic scenes of two different porno films!  CABARET SIN (1987) and EMPIRE OF THE SINS (1988).  That explains the weird editing, vague story and excessive runtime padding.  And it makes me like the film even more!

I can't even imagine the level of disappointment and bewilderment that innocent video store customers had, in the late 80's, when they brought this sucker home expecting something like THE TERMINATOR and ended up with camcorder quality scenes of a woman (Bunny Bleu) repeatedly thrusting a trombone out of her crotch like it was a robot cock...for over four minutes!!!  Not that most people even made it that far...27:48 to 32:00

Recommended for fans of the obscure and weird.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

ZAPPED! (1982)

ZAPPED! is too weak for it's own good.  All of the posters and advertising make it look like a wild teen sex movie where Scott Baio has a magical power that allows him to lift up girls skirts, but in reality, it's just a tame, unfocused and not very funny comedy about a science nerd who after 11-minutes of story development, has an accident in his lab.  The accident somehow gives him the power of telekinesis.  That doesn't make any sense, but whatever, let's see what he does with his newfound power!  Oh.  He uses it to move equipment around the lab, move toys around his bedroom, help win a baseball game and then help his friend win a "vomit contest" at an amusement part.  Wow, that's really exciting!  The filmmakers did sprinkle in some topless scenes, but they're all lame and never more than a second or two long.

Good pace, two supporting actors (Corinne Bohrer and Eddie Deezen) who would later go on to star in SURF II, Scott Baio purposely(?) acting stiff the entire movie, Heather Thomas looking hot as shit (but never getting naked...rumor is, they used a body double), unfunny parody bits spoofing "Star Trek", THE EXORCIST and CARRIE, numerous moments where the background actors are obviously just following orders, an advertisement in the background for what appears to be some ridiculously expensive(?) Memorex T-60 videotapes, Scatman Crothers married to LaWanda Page, nice locations around Los Angeles, dumb ending.

ZAPPED! wasn't a bad movie, just meh and forgettable. The story does have a lot of potential and the title is great!  I'd love to see a proper reboot.

Part 2 - Zapped Again! (1990)

I will not smoke dope in the girls locker room.